10 Ways to Support a Military Family going through Deployment!

This post has been marinating in my head for some time now. Well, about 7 or 8 months, if you must know.

If you don't already know (and love us), we are an Air Force family, stationed at Travis AFB, California.

My husband has been Active Duty for almost 16 years (rounding up, wishing for it to go faster…) and we have five boys. Two 15-yr olds, a 7-yr old going on 12, a 5-yr old, and a 3-yr old who runs the joint. After 12 years of Active Duty Air Force, I switched over to the Reserves, and in October of this year, I will hit my 20-year, magic retirement number! (I probably will not retire, yet, though, more on that in another post).

We married in 2005, and those of you who are good with math have already discovered we each came into the marriage with one boy a piece, and two houses full of furniture. :) Any-who….fast forward to last year, early July 2013, which was our first experience with a deployment. There had been short trips here and here (the longest being 42 days), but for the most part, we had been blissfully spared any major time apart. (Side note, I have been deployed before we were married, but I only had one son at the time, and I can say it is much easier, in my opinion, to be the one gone!)

If you read my deployment posts, you will find that I started out very excited, nervous, and full of ideas of what I was going to do to distract myself from the mundane misery that I feared our life might become. Obviously we survived, and I learned a lot during that time, which I'll cover in another post, too.  But one thing I did discover is that people don't know what they can do to help your family get through a deployment. So here is my list, take an idea or two, and go love a military family TODAY!

10 Ways to Support a Military Family Going through Deployment

1. Take them a meal.  Not just any meal, because that involves arranging a drop-off, and figuring out what they like….blah, blah, blah...Well, by all means, make them something they like and make sure no one has allergies first, but I'm saying just bring them a meal, early in the day, so they have the option to cook it for dinner or save it for another night. Bring it over in disposable trays that they won't have to wash and return. Bless them with a special dessert, too. One of my favorite things to do is make a batch of cookie batter, freeze it in balls, and give them a bag of frozen cookie balls, ready to bake! If you are really good, make some muffins and bring fresh fruit, so they can have an easy breakfast or snack option, too!

2. Watch their kids. Seriously, don't just offer to watch the kids, set up a specific time and even a weekly thing, if you can swing it. Don't throw out a random, "I can watch the kids whenever! Just let me know!" I mean that is a nice gesture and all, but go one step further and hmake them commit to an actual day and time, and they will love you forever.  Bonus points if you can arrange to watch the kids for them while they have an appointment!  I don't know how you all operate, but I really don't like asking for help. Not because I'm too proud, I just don't want to feel like I'm bothering anyone, so this really helps me know you are serious, and takes all the thinking out of it!

3. Pray for them.  This is an easy one, and it works even better if you ask them what they need prayer for, and then let them know you are praying. If you happen to think of a scripture that you think would encourage them, jot it down on a card or note, and give it to them. Knowing that someone is thinking of you definitely makes you feel less lonely! My friend Carmen gave me little encouraging notes that I will cherish always!

4. Help with the Yard work. Most of the time, it's Daddy who is the one deployed. And in most cases, Daddy is the one who takes care of all that outside dirty-grass-muddy-yucky-weedy stuff that we ladies would probably rather not do. Send your husband over to mow and edge, do some weeding, and this is for bonus points, offer to wash the car! (If you get the kids involved you get an extra 10 points. If you get their kids involved and also let them go for a run or walk, that's an extra 100 points!)

5. Take their trash bins out/in. This may seem silly, but honestly, I forgot to take out the trash EIGHT times in a row.  Let me correct, my 15-yr old son "forgot," which led to a frantic sprint to beat the garbage truck with pj's still on, no contacts in, and no shoes on at 7 am. So, if you happen to notice their trash bins are no out the night before trash day, take them out. (Ask, first, but really, I wouldn't have cared!) Also, grab those puppies and tuck them back in if you happen to notice they are still out the next day!

6. Sit with them at Church. Also, may seem silly, but I felt so alone when I went to church. We go to a rather large church, and I kind of got lost in the crowd. I felt like no one knew what I was going through, and why I was there alone, and no one ever asked. So it's just awkward. It's way more fun to go with a friend and third-wheel. Also, as a bonus, you have some help picking up the kids from child care. Score.

7. Drop off a surprise package. Maybe you know they like to watch movies. Fill a box with popcorn, movie treats, and if you can afford it, tickets to a local movie theatre. If movies aren't their thing, drop off a nice "escape" treat for mom, like a book, journal, lotion, a new candle, anything really, that would brighten their day.  You can include a small note, or keep it a secret! Thanks to Pinterest, you can stalk your friend's boards and see what she likes!

8. Encourage them to get out of the house. Stay with me here, because if you are dealing with an instinctual hermit, every fiber of their being will want to batten down the hatches, seal up the ship, and hunker down for the long haul….don't let them. Probably one of the worst slump patterns I got into was caused by lack of sunlight and fresh air. I'm being a bit dramatic, but, honestly, sometimes it was all I could do to not put the kids to bed at 5 and call it a night. This encouragement could take the form of inviting them for a bike ride or walk to the park. (If they don't want to, take the kids, bonus 50 points.)

9. Be considerate of their time/space. This is hard to explain, so hopefully it comes out right, and no it's not exactly a contradiction to my last point. If you are one of the three people I consider my very closest friends (can you tell I'm an introvert, jeez.), you are allowed to drop in on me, whatever time of day, with no questions asked, and you can come and stay for as long as you need, or until I kick you out. Everyone outside the chosen circle of 3, you must approach cautiously, and observe my physical state carefully. If you sense that I am at all under stress, DO NOT try to come inside and make small talk, thinking you are providing the daily adult conversation I might be craving. I will invite you inside if I'm ready for a visit, and if that does happen, please don't overstay your time, because that just causes me loads of extra stress that I can't handle. If my kids are napping, and it's "quiet time" in my house, that means it's the only time I have to reload my sanity and think straight. So please, please, don't rob me of that precious time, or I'll have to cut you. Okay. I won't actually harm you, but just wanted to prove the point.

10. Give them Grace.  About halfway through the deployment, I stopped trying to do everything. You know what I mean….I gave up being on time (wasn't too hard, because I'm usually late all the time), trying to appear I had it together, and I think I wore the same thing for like 2 weeks straight. Please, don't judge me, my appearance, my children, the trash in my swagger wagon, the fact that we ate Popeye's in the middle of the living room picnic style… Just love them, and give them some extra grace because until you have been there, you have no idea how you would handle it.

That's it. Ten easy ways you can support a military family when they are going through a deployment.  Of course, many of this ideas could also apply to a family with a new baby, or a death in the family, or is just needing some extra love. Hopefully this inspires you to go and help out your local military family and gives you an idea of what it is like being the family left behind.

Michelle

Songs that inspired this post

Jason Gray "With Every Act of Love"
Hillsong United "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
Brandon Heath "Give Me Your Eyes"

And, a funny video, proving that they have some fun deployed
(This is not my husband's crew, though!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeqDVduhX5Q

Day 6

Isaac, Luke & Jeff at Mt Hermon last Summer

Today was survival mode. I'm tired. I just got done jogging around the neighborhood with Isaac in the stroller (still awake) at 11 pm.  One of the good things about wearing a pedometer is that it convicts you to get all of your steps in...the bad thing is that when it's 10:30 and you just spent 30 minutes trying to inflate the stroller tire after tracking down the air pump, you are still talking yourself into running outside to add in 1,200 more steps.  I'm all over the place, morning's good intentions melted into afternoon chaos and a cleaning frenzy. The cleaning helps make me feel like I'm controlling something, and the chaos was inflicted by my lovely little minions 2, 3 & 4. (#1 is pretty much past the point of causing problems, thank God!)  We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, big flaky cinnabon-type. They were delectable, and yes, I savored every last bite! (Diet starts tomorrow?)

I also managed to finally throw together a couple of turkey pot pies with homemade crust. I froze one for the inevitable night that I don't have anything made nor the desire to make anything!  The homemade crust is a point of pride, because after all these years (okay only like 7 or 8), I had yet to come across the perfect crust recipe. I finally found it on Pioneer Woman's website, and it is solid gold, I tell ya. Here's the recipe (yes, I'll share, because this is too good not to!): http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2007/12/p-p-p-pie_crust_and_its_p-p-p-perfect/
It's so simple, I'm almost ashamed I failed so many times before! I think the secret is the vinegar. I've used regular, Apple Cider and even Balsamic White, and it works just the same.  Don't overwork it, though. The crust can be frozen, refrigerated, or used right away (although I do recommend following her instructions on popping it in the fridge so it's easier to work with before you use it).  I'll never by the store-made stuff again, it's that easy and good!

After all the kitchen action, I "unplugged" the boys and made them do a couple of chores. Easy ones, but it's the routine that matters (right, Jeff?) and it helps adjust Luke's attitude. At some point I want to reinstate the paid chore charts, but I'm just too exhausted to try and do that by myself right now. After chores, they played in the backyard in our sad little slowly-deflating blow up pool.  It really is pathetic, but it does the job on hot days like we've been having, and I honestly can't imagine dragging the kids to Walmart to get another one.  I'll need some serious motivation for that trip!

Speaking of trips, I'm trying to plan a couple for our summer without daddy....Sarah invited us to come visit at the end of July, so that's one, and we are seriously considering going to Mt. Hermon, a Christian Family Camp, again. We've gone every year for the past 3 years, and we are absolutely in love with being there.  When I think about it, I can smell the air, picture the trees and the beautiful sanctuary. It's surreal when we are actually there, and the kids can't get enough.  I'm just feeling kind of sad that Jeff won't be there, and I don't want to tag along with the other families I know who are going and wreck their family time. On the other hand, it would be nice to have child care for the week and all the meals cooked and to get to go to church twice and hear awesome messages and just soak in the Santa Cruz redwoods! I guess I'll call tomorrow and see if they have any availability.

Today was rather uneventful, which I guess is a blessing, you know. Oh, a couple really cool things happened - one of my Airman got promoted to SSgt!! So happy and excited for her, she deserves it and it's been a long time coming! It's been a nightmare because our military system that tracks all that stuff was down and when it came back up a lot of stuff wasn't accurate...well, finally some good news!  I got to call her and tell her today, I love making those calls!  And, we finally got to talk to Jeff again. We've been trying to call, but haven't been able to get through. We facetimed today, which is so great- he gets to see everyone and they get to see him. The boys still haven't registered that he is really far away and will be gone for a long time. Tonight, on our 11 pm run, Isaac said, "Daddy's car is here, mom, is Daddy inside?" and he was really confused when I told him he wasn't.  I know he doesn't understand, and he is starting to really miss his daddy.

Time for bed, I have to get up before "snee" wakes up and steals the jumbo marshmallows from the pantry in the morning!

Prayer for today:

Lord, thank you for the technology that we take for granted. The ability to see and talk to Jeff while he is deployed is priceless. It doesn't feel like he is that far away, even though he is.  Comfort the boys when they don't understand and they miss their daddy, and give me strength to face each new day.  Please, help me not to seclude myself from everyone, but instead reach out and ask for help. I know that you have placed me here and provided people in my life that I can count on. Closing another day, I cannot help but realize I failed again today - I've let my situation and frustration prevail and guide my actions. Forgive me for being so selfish and let me not dwell in that sin.  Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with your grace, which is abundant and enough for countless days of my failure! Be with my husband so he isn't lonely, and keep him safe.  Amen.

Day One.

For those of you just tuning in, we are an Air Force family undergoing our first deployment - Daddy will be home, God willing, in early November).

So, we've officially made it through days "zero" and "one" without any major injuries, illnesses, or catastrophes. I'll chalk that up on the "success" side! It's been sort of normal ops around here - considering J just got on a plane yesterday and we had our weepy goodbyes and he endured a 17.5 hour plane ride to his home for the next four or so months. The boys still don't have any idea what is really going on and IZ keeps asking me if I'm leaving, too. I think he is concerned that people just leave and don't come back home...he doesn't understand, for sure (He's 3).

Yesterday was a little bit crazy. Jeff left early to bring his bags to the terminal and check in, then came dashing back to the house to wake me up (we all had a late night) and tell me they were boarding at 0730 so I had to get the kids and come NOW. He had the deployment manager drive him back to the terminal and left me about 20 minutes to rush and get everyone ready (uniforms for the boys!) and meet him there to say our goodbyes. Well, with God's assistance (I'm sure!) we made it. We got to hang out, take some pictures, and even go to the "Gate" with him (which is actually a waiting area before a bus takes you over to the plane). The boys played ping pong and livened up the scene with their wrestling and boy energy! Jeff and I kind of made small talk and waited for the time they called for them to get on the bus, but that time never came! They said there was going to be a delay....so I took the boys to get donuts and grab Jeff a breakfast sandwich and come back. I rushed over to the coffee shop and was in there when Jeff called me and told me to forget about the breakfast, they were going to board early. That was it, that was all I needed to hear. The tears slid down my face (as the coffee lady stared at me crazily, wondering what I was doing just sitting around crying!) and my throat constricted with all the words I couldn't say. It's good that Jeff is a talker, because he filled the void with words that could have been my own. He said, "We take it for granted. The time we have together - we take each other for granted, wasting time and not really being grateful for the things we've been given, the people that God has placed in our lives, the grace that he's shown us. We take it all for granted. I'm so sorry for anything I've said to hurt you, or the time I've wasted not telling you how much I love you and our boys. With the way we've been treating each other lately, this is what we deserve. Time apart to really realize how much we need and love each other. I love you". I mean, that's nearly word for word, but my memory probably corrected some of his grammar, ha ha. He is right. As usual. My husband is a "seeker of truth"  and he is usually able to cut right to the heart of matters with ruthless precision. I've always told him he would make a good cop or detective, because he has a way of making you face the truth, even if you are lying to yourself. But he does it in a way that makes you like him, rather than want to stab him with fork in his eye. (Okay, sometimes I might think that but usually when he is telling me to "suck it up and just run" when my feet are just dying...plantar fasciitis, thank you.)

Me, I'm better with words on paper. The words need time to marinate in the juices of my thoughts before escaping my mouth. Otherwise, my social awkwardness creeps in and I start pointing out insignificant facts only nerds like me find interesting. (Recently, I weirded out a Fleet Feet shoe girl by insisting that I couldn't possibly buy the shoes I was trying on because the laces reminded me of tape worms, all flat and segmented and stretchy. I mean, if you have ever seen a tapeworm for real, you would be on my side, here.) At any rate, my husband gets the short end of the deal, because I don't communicate feelings very well at all. I'm hoping that this deployment will give us some time to really express ourselves in alternate ways! I'm trying to stay optimistic here.

On a positive note, the boys have a couple cool things going on this week - first and foremost, their buddy JJ is visiting from Washington! JJ and Luke are about a year apart - and they are seriously Jason and Jeff reincarnated. It's hilarious to watch those two goofballs together! They have been having a great time together, but I think JJ was a little over-stimulated after spending half the week with the boys and my warden alter-ego. He asked if he could go stay in his hotel room tonight! Lol. Sarah said there is definitely too much action going on for him, being here could definitely amp anyone up to the point of craziness, for sure. I'm surprised it only took a few days. Also, the boys have Vacation Bible School this week, too! It's a night at our church (Parkway) and it is such a blessing for both me and them. They are having tons of fun, sugar, songs, and crafts, and I'm having time with just Isaac. Yesterday, Carmen  brought her girls, too, and while they were there, we went to World Market. I had a plan to pick up something for my sister and dad, but I walked out with 2 bottles of wine, a 6-pack of Abita strawberry Harvest Ale, a butter spreader, sesame wafers, 2 sodas, an ICEE candy spray bottle, and some Thai Tea. Yes, I had to recant everything I bought so you could laugh and the randomness. Originally I wasn't planning on drinking at all while Jeff is gone, but I justified it because Sarah is visiting and we can just chill and talk and enjoy some wine together. After a tough day of wrangling kids, it's a small little blessing of relaxation. (Don't get all judgy, I'm a Christian, and I can have a drink without getting all crazy. Moderation, motivation, survival).  Also, Carmen bought me a loofah and some Magnolia soap when I wasn't looking and tried, unsuccessfully, to sneakily put it in my bag as we got out to get the kids at church. So sweet! I will forever associate the smell of Magnolia with Jeff being deployed now. Ha, ha.

Alright, It's way passed my bedtime now, but I wanted to get my thoughts out. I'm so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning, because there is no slowing the steady stream of my need for his Grace every day. I love the reminder from the prophet Jeremiah, who is choosing to look past his corporal afflictions and see the good, praising the Lord for his providence and faithfulness:

"The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.²³  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,“Therefore I have hope in Him.”²⁵  The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.    

 - Lamentations 3:22-25 

Prayer for Today:

Lord, we know where Grace abounds, no bitterness can take root.  Help me continually focus on you, not on my own small circumstances, difficulties, trials, and pain. I want to place my Hope in you alone, not anything else on the earth, because nothing can fill my aching soul other than your love and forgiveness. What an awesome truth to go to sleep pondering - Your compassion and lovingkindness are new EVERY morning. Help me remember that Lord, and to come and drink from that eternal spring of your faithfulness, daily! Please keep my husband safe while he is away, use him to spread your good news to those who don't know you or haven't heard Your name. Use me to encourage and support other military wives who have to endure a deployment - increase my faithfulness, drown my doubt with your absolute blessings and favor. Help me remember that this is temporary, and your desire is for me to thrive, even in this circumstance, because it could be much worse. Help me be thankful for those who reach out and help, and to be grateful for all that you have given us -- even this. Amen.

Stages of Deployment: Stage 1, Denial

Are you there God? It's me, Michelle.

When I was a little girl, who doubted the very existence of God, that's how I started my feeble petitions to a God I wasn't sure even heard them. Hands pressed together, eyes closed, or looking upwards, laying in my twin bed, just before drifting off into the blissful sleep of youth.

I would continue from there to describe the town I lived in, the road, my house, my room....as if God used Google Earth to zoom in from Heaven to find me. As if he needed my help. I just wanted to be sure that before I asked (it was always asking, never praising) He understood who was doing the asking.  It makes me laugh now, because I'm thinking of God saying, "Oops, I gave that cute puppy to the wrong Michelle! Oh well, maybe I'll get it right next time, if she had only clarified where she lived." Ha, ha. It sounds absurd, now, right? Well, I guess it seems logical. I didn't know God, so I assumed God didn't know me!

Well, nowadays, God knows me and hears me. Although he may not answer in the way I think He should, He is in control and He knows what's best. Lately, though, I've been feeling like that little girl again - unsure about my place, needing to reconfirm myself before God, and I know it's because I've drifted away, ever so slightly, like a leaf gently falling down from it's branch. That's a lonely self-made place to be, and it hurts. The storms of life seem to rip you from your "tree" and you feel like you are being tossed around, losing balance, falling.

To me, that's what this pre-deployment time feels like. Armed with my "honey-do" lists, my "do before Jeff leaves" lists, and my mounting concerns about how I'm going to hold it together during this time apart, it reminds me of another time of waiting. Stay with me, here, because I'm about to compare waiting for deployment to the last few weeks of pregnancy. Seriously, the frantic nesting, cleaning, worries about when the baby comes, preparing meals, putting things in order, arranging child care...the analogy fits for me! Since Jeff found out a few months ago that he was actually going, I hid behind denial up until last week. I couldn't actually picture it happening, I convinced myself it was going to be cancelled, I couldn't imagine having to wake up with the kids, entertain them all day, and put them to bed at night alone. That overwhelms me. What about when I feel sick? Tired? Exhausted? Feel like never getting out of bed? (Hey, worst case examples are my default!) I know there are military women out there that have to deal with their husbands being gone for much longer than mine is going to be, but  it still just strikes me as something I don't want to ever do. (As if I have a choice in the matter!)

So, stage one is Denial. I've blasted past that, now, but what I'm experiencing now I would call the nesting phase. Planning, scheduling, cleaning, finishing projects as to alleviate as much stress ahead of time. The funny thing is, that when you are waiting for a baby to come, you do the same things, and when the baby gets here you realize that life goes on as usual, and most of what you did was overkill anyway. Funny how that works! We will see if it holds true for deployment, too. Life will still go on, as usual. Kids will get sick, meals will be prepared, and the house may or may not get clean. My hope is that I hang on to my sanity, and hold fast to God's grace and love, and that he shelters me through this season of our life!

Michelle

Our Deployment Journey begins!

Things are about to get C.R.A.Z.Y up in here! My husband, Jeff, is getting ready to deploy in a couple of weeks and I'm still in denial that this is really happening. We knew this day was coming, but the angst-ridden days are flying by so quickly now I can hardly catch my breath.  I've witnessed my friend's husband's deploy and return, read the facebook posts that paint a pretty good picture of what it's going to be like, but until it's our family's turn, I won't really know.

We took the boys to Florida for a week recently. It was awesome. We didn't do anything, really. Just vegetated at the beach or the pool. And took selfies at the beach:

Our Florida Vacation, May 2013

It was nice to pass the time because waiting is the hardest. As we nestle in to the final countdown until "the day daddy leaves" we make a nice cozy home for uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, and stress. My friends these are natural responses to a pending deployment, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Jeff wants to leave just to start the clock ticking until he comes home, but he worries about us and my sanity as he rides out his desert time.  And he has every right to worry, because daily life has been a little stressful lately! 

I want to share our family's deployment journey with you, not only as a cathartic exercise for my overactive brain, but as a source of encouragement. Because I have full confidence that God will bring us through this time apart, God will sustain our every need, God will counter my temporal feelings of being lonely, feeling helpless, tired, weary, and anxious with His love, peace, energy, and patience.  I'm counting on that!

Alright, first I am going to share my deployment survival plan. Because if I don't have a plan, I will feel like I'm constantly lost without purpose. This is the skeleton of my plan:

DEPLOYMENT SURVIVAL PLAN

1. Schedule our days: sounds easy, sounds boring. This is something I don't normally do, because I'm not crazy about scheduling stuff. It's funny, because as organized as I profess to be, I HATE schedules. My husband gets so frustrated with me on this one and even has the audacity to label me "undisciplined"! Ha! I'm also going to try to enforce an earlier bed time (for me, too) and wake up early to get a work out in without little people around.

2. Make meals easy: again, a no-brainer. But along with the scheduling, I'm going to make sure we have easy meals available so I don't lose my mind and feed them cereal every meal. (Hmmm...that doesn't sound so bad.....) I've already got a template going!

3. Plan care packages: I want to do a good job making sure that Jeff feels loved and connected to us.  I found a bunch of cool ideas on Pinterest here: http://pinterest.com/mcascio/deployment-cures/

4. Schedule "me" time and let people help: I'm definitely self-sufficient. Not in a proud I-can-do-it-all way, but more of a "I don't want to burden people with my crazy boys" sort of way.  I'm going to do exercise videos in the morning and ask for help so I can get away once a week!

5. Plan some fun activities: This is a pretty easy one. But even fun takes some organization. I want to have at least one fun day trip planned a month, and definitely easy trips to the pool, library, and other summer hot spots! 

So that's my plan. In the following days I'll share more about each list item. Talk to you soon!