The Dreadful "Sea of Discontent"

Quick, somebody hand me an oar, I'm drowning in my self-made sea of discontent! Lately, I've been struggling with contentment. Okay, let's be real, not "lately", but quite honestly, more often than not. 

It all started as most things do, a small nagging seed of doubt….nurtured along by my warm,  abundant insecurities, and watered by my copious criticisms of my current station in life. And one day, IT appeared. The gargantuan (always wanted to use that word), gnarly, twisted root of discontent, choking out all of the happiness and joy that used to lie so easily within reach. Honestly, I feel like I'm Artax, sinking into the inky black tar in the Swamp of Sadness. (If you don't get the reference, we can't be friends.)

"My life isn't bad, though, why am I so unhappy?" I would ponder, as I searched for a palpable something to place my blame upon. Nothing was really wrong, and I think that's why for a long time, I just chalked it up to depression, a stagnation in my world, that only bred more malcontent. As a military wife, I am used to moving around. I love change! I love new (to me) houses, different rooms, new neighborhoods, fresh opportunities, and I have this moving chore down to a science. But we are over our three-year mark in this house, and although I absolutely love it, I honestly can't wait to move on. Who thinks like that? Tell me I'm not alone! One scripture that really resonates with me when I get this itchy, need-to-move mentality is Ephesians 5:15-17 (NASB),

"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."

Restlessness in my heart has churned up this sea of discontent, and it infiltrates the entire atmosphere of the home! My husband and I just prayed that God would reveal his will for us - to settle our anxious minds and help us to decide where we should go (or where/when we should put in for orders).  If the decision was left to me (which it isn't!), we would be living in my hometown in New Hampshire. Luke (7) and I just got back from visiting there and helping my sister, who just had a baby.  It was very hard to be there and know we had to get back on a plane and go back to California. Ever since I've been back, aside from the joy of being in my own home and seeing Jeff & the boys, I've been terribly homesick. Just irritated. Mad. Sad. Melancholy. Defeated. Yes, all these feelings and more. I'm not too proud to admit that I have been a pretty cranky Christian lately. (Sorry Jeff, Dyl & the terrible trio).



Christian, advice-giving me knows with absolute clarity that this is not what God wants for my life. Moping around all misty-eyed and complacent, crying into my faux-Starbucks-espresso. My clever little mind has already fabricated our dream house, quaint, New-Englandy, complete with a mud room and sled storage…but the more effort Im putting into building that imaginary home, the less effort I put forth maintaining what God has blessed me with right here. (See, I'm not totally gone, yet!)


I believe that God has a purpose for my life. I believe that God would like nothing more for me to shine His light and bring His love all the way to the East Coast…only just not yet. Like adding clams to the clam chowder until the last bit of cooking, so they won't get tough and rubbery. (Trust me, this is a game-changer! Clam chowder recipe here -> New England Clam Chowdah). God knows what He is doing. He can see everything and nothing is a mystery to Him! He also knows the desires of my heart and He will orchestrate the path of my life in His perfect timing. I'm trusting that, and that calms the stormy sea raging inside my head and my heart. Until the next big storm, that is. (Keeping it real, ladies!)

Perhaps your sea of discontent is not caused by your current location, but instead your season in life, your job, your season of marriage, your ministry, your friends (or lack of), your children (or lack of)…the reasons are endless! But let us all rest in the certainty that whatever it is, it is not out of God's control. His plan and purpose for our lives is all-encompassing and intricate. He didn't spare any details. If you doubt, go read Psalm 139.  So don't think for a second that He just haphazardly plopped a pin  on his big ol' Atlas and said, "Yes, that is where I want ___________ to live" and Poof! You are smack dab in Cheyenne, Wyoming, freezing your giblets off. (Lol, if you are reading this, Heidi, I was thinking about your Facebook comment). He also didn't place you as a military wife without a purpose. There is a mission created for you, here. A lesson tailored just for you, here. A friendship for life, or a season, yes, right here. Maybe your current location/season is the "low" you need to make your "high" time all the sweeter. I don't know all the answers, but I know God does. I choose to trust Him.

If you want, say this prayer with me. (Don't worry about looking crazy, reading this out loud. It's just your kids/husband/family, they probably already think you are cray-cray!)

Prayer for Contentment

Lord, please calm my anxious heart.

Sometimes my dreams and wants for my life drown out your sweet, still, small voice.
Help me find contentment and your peace that you freely wash over us.
Reveal your will for my life, and allow me to trust in your plan and timing.

Do not let me swim in this sea of discontent, or swallow the bitter swill of anger because I cannot be where my heart resides.
Help me live my life for you, spreading your love right where you have placed me.

Build my trust, and my faith in you, grow me, and mature my vision so I can see clearly your plan. Help me to encourage other military wives and build friendships that will last a lifetime.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Songs that inspired this post

Jason Gray - "With Every Act of Love"
Jason Gray - "Remind Me Who I Am"
Jeremy Camp - "There Will be a Day"
Third Day - "Cry Out to Jesus"
Sidewalk Prophets - "Live Like That"
Sidewalk Prophets - "Help Me Find it"

Youtube that will make you laugh

The present is a gift!

Stages of Deployment: Stage 1, Denial

Are you there God? It's me, Michelle.

When I was a little girl, who doubted the very existence of God, that's how I started my feeble petitions to a God I wasn't sure even heard them. Hands pressed together, eyes closed, or looking upwards, laying in my twin bed, just before drifting off into the blissful sleep of youth.

I would continue from there to describe the town I lived in, the road, my house, my room....as if God used Google Earth to zoom in from Heaven to find me. As if he needed my help. I just wanted to be sure that before I asked (it was always asking, never praising) He understood who was doing the asking.  It makes me laugh now, because I'm thinking of God saying, "Oops, I gave that cute puppy to the wrong Michelle! Oh well, maybe I'll get it right next time, if she had only clarified where she lived." Ha, ha. It sounds absurd, now, right? Well, I guess it seems logical. I didn't know God, so I assumed God didn't know me!

Well, nowadays, God knows me and hears me. Although he may not answer in the way I think He should, He is in control and He knows what's best. Lately, though, I've been feeling like that little girl again - unsure about my place, needing to reconfirm myself before God, and I know it's because I've drifted away, ever so slightly, like a leaf gently falling down from it's branch. That's a lonely self-made place to be, and it hurts. The storms of life seem to rip you from your "tree" and you feel like you are being tossed around, losing balance, falling.

To me, that's what this pre-deployment time feels like. Armed with my "honey-do" lists, my "do before Jeff leaves" lists, and my mounting concerns about how I'm going to hold it together during this time apart, it reminds me of another time of waiting. Stay with me, here, because I'm about to compare waiting for deployment to the last few weeks of pregnancy. Seriously, the frantic nesting, cleaning, worries about when the baby comes, preparing meals, putting things in order, arranging child care...the analogy fits for me! Since Jeff found out a few months ago that he was actually going, I hid behind denial up until last week. I couldn't actually picture it happening, I convinced myself it was going to be cancelled, I couldn't imagine having to wake up with the kids, entertain them all day, and put them to bed at night alone. That overwhelms me. What about when I feel sick? Tired? Exhausted? Feel like never getting out of bed? (Hey, worst case examples are my default!) I know there are military women out there that have to deal with their husbands being gone for much longer than mine is going to be, but  it still just strikes me as something I don't want to ever do. (As if I have a choice in the matter!)

So, stage one is Denial. I've blasted past that, now, but what I'm experiencing now I would call the nesting phase. Planning, scheduling, cleaning, finishing projects as to alleviate as much stress ahead of time. The funny thing is, that when you are waiting for a baby to come, you do the same things, and when the baby gets here you realize that life goes on as usual, and most of what you did was overkill anyway. Funny how that works! We will see if it holds true for deployment, too. Life will still go on, as usual. Kids will get sick, meals will be prepared, and the house may or may not get clean. My hope is that I hang on to my sanity, and hold fast to God's grace and love, and that he shelters me through this season of our life!

Michelle

Our Deployment Journey begins!

Things are about to get C.R.A.Z.Y up in here! My husband, Jeff, is getting ready to deploy in a couple of weeks and I'm still in denial that this is really happening. We knew this day was coming, but the angst-ridden days are flying by so quickly now I can hardly catch my breath.  I've witnessed my friend's husband's deploy and return, read the facebook posts that paint a pretty good picture of what it's going to be like, but until it's our family's turn, I won't really know.

We took the boys to Florida for a week recently. It was awesome. We didn't do anything, really. Just vegetated at the beach or the pool. And took selfies at the beach:

Our Florida Vacation, May 2013

It was nice to pass the time because waiting is the hardest. As we nestle in to the final countdown until "the day daddy leaves" we make a nice cozy home for uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, and stress. My friends these are natural responses to a pending deployment, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Jeff wants to leave just to start the clock ticking until he comes home, but he worries about us and my sanity as he rides out his desert time.  And he has every right to worry, because daily life has been a little stressful lately! 

I want to share our family's deployment journey with you, not only as a cathartic exercise for my overactive brain, but as a source of encouragement. Because I have full confidence that God will bring us through this time apart, God will sustain our every need, God will counter my temporal feelings of being lonely, feeling helpless, tired, weary, and anxious with His love, peace, energy, and patience.  I'm counting on that!

Alright, first I am going to share my deployment survival plan. Because if I don't have a plan, I will feel like I'm constantly lost without purpose. This is the skeleton of my plan:

DEPLOYMENT SURVIVAL PLAN

1. Schedule our days: sounds easy, sounds boring. This is something I don't normally do, because I'm not crazy about scheduling stuff. It's funny, because as organized as I profess to be, I HATE schedules. My husband gets so frustrated with me on this one and even has the audacity to label me "undisciplined"! Ha! I'm also going to try to enforce an earlier bed time (for me, too) and wake up early to get a work out in without little people around.

2. Make meals easy: again, a no-brainer. But along with the scheduling, I'm going to make sure we have easy meals available so I don't lose my mind and feed them cereal every meal. (Hmmm...that doesn't sound so bad.....) I've already got a template going!

3. Plan care packages: I want to do a good job making sure that Jeff feels loved and connected to us.  I found a bunch of cool ideas on Pinterest here: http://pinterest.com/mcascio/deployment-cures/

4. Schedule "me" time and let people help: I'm definitely self-sufficient. Not in a proud I-can-do-it-all way, but more of a "I don't want to burden people with my crazy boys" sort of way.  I'm going to do exercise videos in the morning and ask for help so I can get away once a week!

5. Plan some fun activities: This is a pretty easy one. But even fun takes some organization. I want to have at least one fun day trip planned a month, and definitely easy trips to the pool, library, and other summer hot spots! 

So that's my plan. In the following days I'll share more about each list item. Talk to you soon!