The Comparison Trap

I know what you're thinking. "I don't really compare myself to others. I don't have that problem". Well, you better listen, sister, because those were my thoughts exactly, until recently, when some of my less-healthy, childish thoughts organized themselves and painted a crystal clear picture of who their mommy was, and her name was Comparison. Oh you are sneaky, Satan. I didn't even know I struggled with this particular sin at all! It didn't make the top 3 on my "Needs refining" list. And do you know why? Because it was masquerading as something else entirely, and I just hadn't pulled the mask off yet.

Let me elaborate, because you might still be convinced that you don't need to read this.

I don't compare myself to others too frequently, but I DO compare myself to ME!
ALL.THE.TIME!  A more athletic version of me. A younger version of me. A skinnier me. A more Godly me. A better friend me. A better mom me. A more patient me. A kinder me. A not-yelling me. I can get myself so wound around the axle when I fall short of my own expectations, I don't even need to breach my own front door to seek new examples to compare myself with. I'm exhausted looking in the mirror and listening to my own preachy-voice rant about how I failed. Again. Are you with me, here?

When I came to that realization, I was just astounded. Because I really was hoodwinked. Blind to my own sin. And that is what Satan does to us, isn't it?  He pulls the wool right over your eyes, and you are walking around bumping into things and getting frustrated. He revels in our blind confusion. Meanwhile, you become ineffective at serving anyone else, or shining a light to others. What a sticky web he spins. I'll freely admit, he catches me often, and sometimes it takes me a while to struggle free. A trap is something you didn't see coming. Something you just fall into and don't even realize what happened.  Do you see how comparison is a trap?

What the Bible Says about Comparison

So, then, what does the bible say about comparison? The greek word for compare is sugkrinō (pronounced soong-kree'-no) and it means "to judge one thing in connection with another". This greek definition is used in context in Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, concerning some of the false teachers and teachings that were going on in Corinth at that time:

"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding." (2 Corinthians 10:12)

Now Paul was a humble dude. He was pointing out that we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to anyone. In his day, it was the hypocritical Pharisees who were making up the rules and boasting about being the most Holy to anyone who would listen. In our time, Paul would probably be warning about comparing ourselves with the "well behaved and respected Christian family" that makes it look so easy or the "Worldly-bless-their-heart-heathens" that make us feel like we are doing this parenting thing right. Comparison in ANY lateral direction is useless and reveals our faulty understanding of God, and our relationship with Him. The only person we have to gain favor with is God, and even then, He loves us even if we are still in the Heathen category.

I've spent many a night so distraught because of the behavior of my children in public, or my poor parenting skills, or my inattentiveness to my family's needs. Comparing myself to "The other Mother" (Smile if you've watched the movie Caroline) who woke up early, made pancakes from scratch, went for a run, packed her husband's lunch and kissed him as he went off to work. The "Other Mother" is me on a good day, not someone else I'm envisioning. And I'm warning you, that is just as dangerous as comparing yourself to others! It will leave you feeling defeated, not-good-enough, unworthy, and like a failure. It robs you of joy and convinces you that you will be this way forever. It seeps into every part life, stealing confidence as it goes.

How to avoid the Comparison Trap

How do you avoid the comparison trap? Can it be avoided? Absolutely! When that sneaky voice starts talking, stop listening. Speak truth.

1. Not Everyone is created Equal. You will never measure up when your using someone else's scale.  God says the only thing we should be focusing on is Him and His mission for our lives. If we start veering off our chosen path, we will get ensnared in webs we might never be able to completely shake off.  God gave you gifts, girl. Use them to glorify Him, don't complain that the package it came in isn't as shiny and big as so-and-so's!  Christians should work together, using all of their varied gifts and talents. We were NOT all created equal, but we were created with a purpose that matches our gifts!

2. Don't  be a Hater. So what if Betty Sue can whip up 4 dozen perfect cupcakes with fondant icing at a moment's notice? You have different skills, so rejoice in the gifts she has been given and enjoy the benefits of being her friend. As women, we spend far too much time tearing each other down, rather than building each other up. Let's celebrate our unique abilities and not cause division!

2. God's Scale is the only one that Matters. If God had a big scale, he definitely wouldn't be putting a Christian on each side and seeing which one is "better"! Sounds ridiculous, right?  Remind yourself that you do not want to measure yourself against anyone - if you end up boasting that you are better, You're Wrong. If you end up feeling like you can never do anything as good as _______, You're Wrong. See? There is no winner in the comparison game! God knows that we could never be perfect, so he already provided a way for us to be forgiven - His son, Jesus. He knows we are a mess, even at our best!

Songs that Inspired this Post

Tenth Avenue North, "Worn"

Tenth Avenue North, "You Are More"

Big Daddy Weave, "Redeemed"

10 Ways to Support a Military Family going through Deployment!

This post has been marinating in my head for some time now. Well, about 7 or 8 months, if you must know.

If you don't already know (and love us), we are an Air Force family, stationed at Travis AFB, California.

My husband has been Active Duty for almost 16 years (rounding up, wishing for it to go faster…) and we have five boys. Two 15-yr olds, a 7-yr old going on 12, a 5-yr old, and a 3-yr old who runs the joint. After 12 years of Active Duty Air Force, I switched over to the Reserves, and in October of this year, I will hit my 20-year, magic retirement number! (I probably will not retire, yet, though, more on that in another post).

We married in 2005, and those of you who are good with math have already discovered we each came into the marriage with one boy a piece, and two houses full of furniture. :) Any-who….fast forward to last year, early July 2013, which was our first experience with a deployment. There had been short trips here and here (the longest being 42 days), but for the most part, we had been blissfully spared any major time apart. (Side note, I have been deployed before we were married, but I only had one son at the time, and I can say it is much easier, in my opinion, to be the one gone!)

If you read my deployment posts, you will find that I started out very excited, nervous, and full of ideas of what I was going to do to distract myself from the mundane misery that I feared our life might become. Obviously we survived, and I learned a lot during that time, which I'll cover in another post, too.  But one thing I did discover is that people don't know what they can do to help your family get through a deployment. So here is my list, take an idea or two, and go love a military family TODAY!

10 Ways to Support a Military Family Going through Deployment

1. Take them a meal.  Not just any meal, because that involves arranging a drop-off, and figuring out what they like….blah, blah, blah...Well, by all means, make them something they like and make sure no one has allergies first, but I'm saying just bring them a meal, early in the day, so they have the option to cook it for dinner or save it for another night. Bring it over in disposable trays that they won't have to wash and return. Bless them with a special dessert, too. One of my favorite things to do is make a batch of cookie batter, freeze it in balls, and give them a bag of frozen cookie balls, ready to bake! If you are really good, make some muffins and bring fresh fruit, so they can have an easy breakfast or snack option, too!

2. Watch their kids. Seriously, don't just offer to watch the kids, set up a specific time and even a weekly thing, if you can swing it. Don't throw out a random, "I can watch the kids whenever! Just let me know!" I mean that is a nice gesture and all, but go one step further and hmake them commit to an actual day and time, and they will love you forever.  Bonus points if you can arrange to watch the kids for them while they have an appointment!  I don't know how you all operate, but I really don't like asking for help. Not because I'm too proud, I just don't want to feel like I'm bothering anyone, so this really helps me know you are serious, and takes all the thinking out of it!

3. Pray for them.  This is an easy one, and it works even better if you ask them what they need prayer for, and then let them know you are praying. If you happen to think of a scripture that you think would encourage them, jot it down on a card or note, and give it to them. Knowing that someone is thinking of you definitely makes you feel less lonely! My friend Carmen gave me little encouraging notes that I will cherish always!

4. Help with the Yard work. Most of the time, it's Daddy who is the one deployed. And in most cases, Daddy is the one who takes care of all that outside dirty-grass-muddy-yucky-weedy stuff that we ladies would probably rather not do. Send your husband over to mow and edge, do some weeding, and this is for bonus points, offer to wash the car! (If you get the kids involved you get an extra 10 points. If you get their kids involved and also let them go for a run or walk, that's an extra 100 points!)

5. Take their trash bins out/in. This may seem silly, but honestly, I forgot to take out the trash EIGHT times in a row.  Let me correct, my 15-yr old son "forgot," which led to a frantic sprint to beat the garbage truck with pj's still on, no contacts in, and no shoes on at 7 am. So, if you happen to notice their trash bins are no out the night before trash day, take them out. (Ask, first, but really, I wouldn't have cared!) Also, grab those puppies and tuck them back in if you happen to notice they are still out the next day!

6. Sit with them at Church. Also, may seem silly, but I felt so alone when I went to church. We go to a rather large church, and I kind of got lost in the crowd. I felt like no one knew what I was going through, and why I was there alone, and no one ever asked. So it's just awkward. It's way more fun to go with a friend and third-wheel. Also, as a bonus, you have some help picking up the kids from child care. Score.

7. Drop off a surprise package. Maybe you know they like to watch movies. Fill a box with popcorn, movie treats, and if you can afford it, tickets to a local movie theatre. If movies aren't their thing, drop off a nice "escape" treat for mom, like a book, journal, lotion, a new candle, anything really, that would brighten their day.  You can include a small note, or keep it a secret! Thanks to Pinterest, you can stalk your friend's boards and see what she likes!

8. Encourage them to get out of the house. Stay with me here, because if you are dealing with an instinctual hermit, every fiber of their being will want to batten down the hatches, seal up the ship, and hunker down for the long haul….don't let them. Probably one of the worst slump patterns I got into was caused by lack of sunlight and fresh air. I'm being a bit dramatic, but, honestly, sometimes it was all I could do to not put the kids to bed at 5 and call it a night. This encouragement could take the form of inviting them for a bike ride or walk to the park. (If they don't want to, take the kids, bonus 50 points.)

9. Be considerate of their time/space. This is hard to explain, so hopefully it comes out right, and no it's not exactly a contradiction to my last point. If you are one of the three people I consider my very closest friends (can you tell I'm an introvert, jeez.), you are allowed to drop in on me, whatever time of day, with no questions asked, and you can come and stay for as long as you need, or until I kick you out. Everyone outside the chosen circle of 3, you must approach cautiously, and observe my physical state carefully. If you sense that I am at all under stress, DO NOT try to come inside and make small talk, thinking you are providing the daily adult conversation I might be craving. I will invite you inside if I'm ready for a visit, and if that does happen, please don't overstay your time, because that just causes me loads of extra stress that I can't handle. If my kids are napping, and it's "quiet time" in my house, that means it's the only time I have to reload my sanity and think straight. So please, please, don't rob me of that precious time, or I'll have to cut you. Okay. I won't actually harm you, but just wanted to prove the point.

10. Give them Grace.  About halfway through the deployment, I stopped trying to do everything. You know what I mean….I gave up being on time (wasn't too hard, because I'm usually late all the time), trying to appear I had it together, and I think I wore the same thing for like 2 weeks straight. Please, don't judge me, my appearance, my children, the trash in my swagger wagon, the fact that we ate Popeye's in the middle of the living room picnic style… Just love them, and give them some extra grace because until you have been there, you have no idea how you would handle it.

That's it. Ten easy ways you can support a military family when they are going through a deployment.  Of course, many of this ideas could also apply to a family with a new baby, or a death in the family, or is just needing some extra love. Hopefully this inspires you to go and help out your local military family and gives you an idea of what it is like being the family left behind.

Michelle

Songs that inspired this post

Jason Gray "With Every Act of Love"
Hillsong United "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
Brandon Heath "Give Me Your Eyes"

And, a funny video, proving that they have some fun deployed
(This is not my husband's crew, though!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeqDVduhX5Q

The Dreadful "Sea of Discontent"

Quick, somebody hand me an oar, I'm drowning in my self-made sea of discontent! Lately, I've been struggling with contentment. Okay, let's be real, not "lately", but quite honestly, more often than not. 

It all started as most things do, a small nagging seed of doubt….nurtured along by my warm,  abundant insecurities, and watered by my copious criticisms of my current station in life. And one day, IT appeared. The gargantuan (always wanted to use that word), gnarly, twisted root of discontent, choking out all of the happiness and joy that used to lie so easily within reach. Honestly, I feel like I'm Artax, sinking into the inky black tar in the Swamp of Sadness. (If you don't get the reference, we can't be friends.)

"My life isn't bad, though, why am I so unhappy?" I would ponder, as I searched for a palpable something to place my blame upon. Nothing was really wrong, and I think that's why for a long time, I just chalked it up to depression, a stagnation in my world, that only bred more malcontent. As a military wife, I am used to moving around. I love change! I love new (to me) houses, different rooms, new neighborhoods, fresh opportunities, and I have this moving chore down to a science. But we are over our three-year mark in this house, and although I absolutely love it, I honestly can't wait to move on. Who thinks like that? Tell me I'm not alone! One scripture that really resonates with me when I get this itchy, need-to-move mentality is Ephesians 5:15-17 (NASB),

"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."

Restlessness in my heart has churned up this sea of discontent, and it infiltrates the entire atmosphere of the home! My husband and I just prayed that God would reveal his will for us - to settle our anxious minds and help us to decide where we should go (or where/when we should put in for orders).  If the decision was left to me (which it isn't!), we would be living in my hometown in New Hampshire. Luke (7) and I just got back from visiting there and helping my sister, who just had a baby.  It was very hard to be there and know we had to get back on a plane and go back to California. Ever since I've been back, aside from the joy of being in my own home and seeing Jeff & the boys, I've been terribly homesick. Just irritated. Mad. Sad. Melancholy. Defeated. Yes, all these feelings and more. I'm not too proud to admit that I have been a pretty cranky Christian lately. (Sorry Jeff, Dyl & the terrible trio).



Christian, advice-giving me knows with absolute clarity that this is not what God wants for my life. Moping around all misty-eyed and complacent, crying into my faux-Starbucks-espresso. My clever little mind has already fabricated our dream house, quaint, New-Englandy, complete with a mud room and sled storage…but the more effort Im putting into building that imaginary home, the less effort I put forth maintaining what God has blessed me with right here. (See, I'm not totally gone, yet!)


I believe that God has a purpose for my life. I believe that God would like nothing more for me to shine His light and bring His love all the way to the East Coast…only just not yet. Like adding clams to the clam chowder until the last bit of cooking, so they won't get tough and rubbery. (Trust me, this is a game-changer! Clam chowder recipe here -> New England Clam Chowdah). God knows what He is doing. He can see everything and nothing is a mystery to Him! He also knows the desires of my heart and He will orchestrate the path of my life in His perfect timing. I'm trusting that, and that calms the stormy sea raging inside my head and my heart. Until the next big storm, that is. (Keeping it real, ladies!)

Perhaps your sea of discontent is not caused by your current location, but instead your season in life, your job, your season of marriage, your ministry, your friends (or lack of), your children (or lack of)…the reasons are endless! But let us all rest in the certainty that whatever it is, it is not out of God's control. His plan and purpose for our lives is all-encompassing and intricate. He didn't spare any details. If you doubt, go read Psalm 139.  So don't think for a second that He just haphazardly plopped a pin  on his big ol' Atlas and said, "Yes, that is where I want ___________ to live" and Poof! You are smack dab in Cheyenne, Wyoming, freezing your giblets off. (Lol, if you are reading this, Heidi, I was thinking about your Facebook comment). He also didn't place you as a military wife without a purpose. There is a mission created for you, here. A lesson tailored just for you, here. A friendship for life, or a season, yes, right here. Maybe your current location/season is the "low" you need to make your "high" time all the sweeter. I don't know all the answers, but I know God does. I choose to trust Him.

If you want, say this prayer with me. (Don't worry about looking crazy, reading this out loud. It's just your kids/husband/family, they probably already think you are cray-cray!)

Prayer for Contentment

Lord, please calm my anxious heart.

Sometimes my dreams and wants for my life drown out your sweet, still, small voice.
Help me find contentment and your peace that you freely wash over us.
Reveal your will for my life, and allow me to trust in your plan and timing.

Do not let me swim in this sea of discontent, or swallow the bitter swill of anger because I cannot be where my heart resides.
Help me live my life for you, spreading your love right where you have placed me.

Build my trust, and my faith in you, grow me, and mature my vision so I can see clearly your plan. Help me to encourage other military wives and build friendships that will last a lifetime.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Songs that inspired this post

Jason Gray - "With Every Act of Love"
Jason Gray - "Remind Me Who I Am"
Jeremy Camp - "There Will be a Day"
Third Day - "Cry Out to Jesus"
Sidewalk Prophets - "Live Like That"
Sidewalk Prophets - "Help Me Find it"

Youtube that will make you laugh

The present is a gift!

Day 27: Groundhog Syndrome

 Hello again. I fell off the face of the earth, seriously, sorry about that. We had friends visiting (traveling through from Hawaii to Colorado) last week, and we have friends visiting this week, too. I'm thankful for the distraction, honestly, because lately I feel like it's Groundhog day, just a continuous day, repeating itself over and over and over. I'm thankful this day I'm reliving doesn't include any sickness, but oh my word does it ever get annoying! I've been struggling lately, not reading my bible as much, not praying as much, and it's made me painfully aware of how fragile (read that in Francesco Bernoulli's voice, it's much funnier!) our flesh is! How weak and desperate we become when separated from the word. It's pathetic, really.

The dessert!

I mention this because if you happen to stalk my Facebook wall, it might appear that I have it "together" - smiling faces, instagram snaps of some amazing dessert I whipped up (recipe on the box, people!), cute stories of things the boys have said, our bulldog peacefully sleeping at my feet....it's not a true picture of what goes on here day in and day out. I read an article about how facebook is ruining people's lives, making them feel bad about themselves because everyone else's life looks "perfect." Don't believe for one second that I wake up with a smile on my face, quoting scripture, and baking fresh banana bread. Hardly. Don't get me wrong, I would love that to be the case, but 90% of the time, this is how things go:

1. Sometime around 2 or 3 am: 5-yr old comes into room (he may or may not have had a potty accident, and may or may not have changed his pants). He sneaks into bed and snuggles in. I try to feel if he is wet or just had a bad dream, if he's wet, I try to wake him up and get him to change his PJ's (I avoid walking around once I've been sleeping because my feet hurt so bad). I go back to sleep.

Boys being Boys!

2. 7 am: Reveille sounds right outside our window. This may or may not rouse the 3-yr old beast who is currently sleeping in my closet (I made his room into a guest room while my friends are visiting). If it does, he wakes up and does his best to be as loud as he can while voicing his concern over his lost binkie and misplaced blanket. Sometimes, by God's blessing, I find both of them and he goes back to sleep. Sometimes, if he wakes up, I can convince him to come into bed with me and sleep (or at least sniff).

3. 7:30 am: My Fitbit silent alarm goes off. I press the button and mentally debate getting up while my body drifts slowly back to sleep. I bribe my brain by promising coffee. It doesn't always work. My feet are still hurting from the 7 am limp to find the binkie blankie.

4. 8:12 am: I open my eyes, sort of. I can't see anything because my glasses have fallen off the table beside my bed. I feel around for my phone like a mole. (Thus my husband's nickname, "my little mole"). I try to get up quietly, as to not wake the two little warm bodies that are nestled in amongst the pillows of our Cal King.

5. 8:30 am: Limp painfully from bathroom to kitchen. Search for shoes so maybe my feet won't hurt as much. Think about exercising. Think about reading my bible. My brain starts to circle these thoughts: Maybe I could do both at the same time? Maybe the kids won't come out right away and I can have some quiet time? Maybe I should have woken up early and gotten my quiet time in already? Why am I so lazy? When are my feet going to stop hurting? Why didn't I buy cereal? Why didn't I buy creamer? Why is the commissary closed on Mondays? Did I make coffee? I don't remember drinking coffee. Where are my shoes? Do I smell poop? Did Frank poop?

"May-dough" with PPR

6. 8:32 am: I hear movement in the hallway and then a pair of eyes peeking around the corner. I can tell by the curly locks that it's Isaac. He is in sniff mode, and he runs to my perch at the computer. He asks to play a game on my iPhone. I tell him he needs to eat breakfast first. Amazingly, he acquiesces and pads into the kitchen to forage in the pantry. I still haven't read my bible. Still can't find my coffee.

7. 8:37 am: I've become a one-person cereal assembly-line. 4 bowls, 4 spoons, 4 cups. I like to color-code, but it doesn't always work out. I keep lustfully eyeballing my Keurig. I try to avoid direct eye contact with the sinkful of dishes I abandoned last night. There's someone trying to scale my leg. Someone is hunting for food in the pantry and telling my how much they don't want cereal. Again. I tell them they are blessed just to have food and think of all the children in the world who go hungry. This doesn't phase them. I contemplate withholding food until it ripens their compassion, but I don't think I could handle their whining.

First Injury of deployment!

8. 8:42 am: After major coaxing, everyone brought a cereal bowl to the table and we are all seated together. I forgot my coffee. I should probably eat, too. We pray (well, I pray, the boys take turns trying to make each other laugh). I get angry and reiterate the "why we should be quiet while we are praying" talk. I try to not get too mad because I know they are just kids. I get up to get coffee. No water in the Keurig and it has to be filled again. I think that it should be connected right to my fridge. I wonder if I'm really that lazy. I don't think I would make it on a missionary trip. I wonder if I will ever go on a missionary trip. I daydream some more, and the water overflows all over the cup, down the fridge, all over the floor. I'm not mad. The floor needs to be cleaned, anyway. I know I will never get to it today.

Pool shower Fort!

9. 8:47 am: The loudness level tells me the kids are done eating. I haven't even gotten the chance to sit down, haven't eaten, and now I'm searching for my coffee cup. I remember that yesterday, while I was packing the kids up in the car while breaking up arguments, I hit my head on the rear lift gate, dropped and shattered it. I nearly lost my testimony and almost said some choice words, holding back tears. Now I'm reminded of yesterday's failure and I feel helpless and defeated again. The dishes in the sink grow, so does my apathy. Coffee is growing cold now, of course. I remember I don't have creamer. I root around in the fridge for a substitute. I settle for Tru Whip. It's good. I cradle my warm coffee and retreat to my computer. The boys are settled in watching Justin Time. I think I might have 10 minutes of  blissful quiet. My bible is not within reach. I read my daily verse for the day. I want to read more, but now I'm caught in email.

10. 8:53 am: The boys are done watching and are now wrestling. My quiet time is over. My apathy is not. I glare at the dishes that won't wash themselves. I start my mental to-do list.

So, you get the idea. Trapped in my own small little, world. This is an easy day, I'm not complaining, my kids don't wake up early, we have enough food to eat, we have a wonderful house, it just gets to be overwhelming and I'm tired. I miss Jeff! :(  I've been trying to think about others I could help, because that makes me happy, but I feel like I'm drowning, myself. I know this is not where God wants me to live, feeling like this, but it's like I'm caught in this circular pattern sometimes and I can't seem to break free. Just keep praying for us!

Days 11 & 12

Sometimes in life, I feel like I am drifting in this big ocean, getting tossed around by all the waves that come my way, and I'm just struggling to stay afloat. Lately it's felt a lot like that. Turbulent, stormy, and I've seemed to have navigated off course. Not that I'm headed for a waterfall or anything, but I've just forgotten where I was going in the first place! Has that ever happened to you? (Never mind the opening the fridge amnesia that strikes us all at some point, lol!)  Well, today the guiding beacon of a light house shone right through this storm, in the form of the family that runs the Travis Hospitality House. Carmen invited me to a bible study and before I could choose one of my myriad list of excuses, I decided to go. And what a blessing it was. The Nfaziger family is just an awesome example of Christ's body in action. Their passion for the advancement of the gospel and their love of people is so evident in their hospitality and encouragement so freely given. They minister to the men, women, and families of Travis Air Force Base, and they truly provide a "home away from home" atmosphere for people to enjoy and fellowship.  If you are looking to donate to a local missionary, please pray and consider donating to Sue & Sandy's Hospitality House - you can donate online through Cadence International. They host bible studies and serve at the Chapel on base, and run the PEAK internet coffee and Cafe near the dorms.  What a wonderful refuge for the single Airmen! Anyway, just wanted to give them some praise for the work they are doing for God's kingdom, and thankful that they are there!

We also got a new pool today for the boys. This is a particular blessing because a) we got it on sale even though the sale ended last week, and b) It provides unlimited entertainment for the boys on these endless hot summer days! So, the story behind the sale - yesterday, I went to the Target in Vacaville and they were all sold out of this pool that was on sale....so today, I went to Target in Fairfield with the specific intention of buying this pool if they had it in stock. Well, they did, but it wasn't on sale anymore. As the helpful salesperson pointed out, the sale ended at midnight. Well, I was probably going to end up buying it anyway, but it was a $20 price difference, so I had to really think about it, so I tried to harness my rowdy children into a quiet hush so I could hear my own thoughts, and I began to walk back towards the aisle where the pools were.  The other cashier, named Josh, asked me if I was only there to buy the pool, to which I replied sadly, "Yes." and explained what happened yesterday at the other target and how bummed out I was about missing the sale...well, he told me, "It's okay. I can do that price, no problem." I was seriously shocked. I mean, people usually aren't nice anymore, and most certainly aren't willing to go above and beyond and actually be helpful! (Sadly). Score! Seriously, I was so excited about that, I wrote his name down and I will make it a point to get him some good feedback on the store survey! (For the record, the worldly person in me immediately figured my credit card was going to be somehow pirated. I'll still check that, just to be sure...)

The boys patiently waited for what seemed like days for the pool to fill, and managed to suck out the last of my graciousness by the time it was finally ready for them to swim in. I'm such a manic mom sometimes, one second I'm hyping them up for the new pool, and the next second I'm yelling at them to pick up their room like-i-told-them-to-ten-times-already.  While they were waiting, I actually snapped a pic of them HELPING each other put on "gunscreen" as Isaac calls it. It made me forget what a miserable car ride it was earlier, which was wonderfully needed. I give this pool 3 days until it dies a quick, sad death serenaded with 3 little boy's laughter.

So, we have been busy, missing our "daddy" and creating summer memories....one that we almost crossed off our summer bucket list was "go to a drive-in movie." I say almost because we actually sat in traffic for over an hour and by the time we got to the gate, it was sold out! There was weeping and gnashing of teeth over this one, but I soothed the pain with Red Vines and popcorn and peanut butter m&m's! Who knew that the Drive-In was so popular?? Who knew you had to get there 2 HOURS early in order to be able to park? Well, now we do, and we will plan a little better next time, right Carmen? Lol. We actually set up the entire back of the van with the foam mattress, blankets & Pillows and we were ready to watch Monsters University! Oh well. 

Prayer for today:

Lord, you know the desires of my heart. You know I need you, and you patiently wait for me to turn my eyes toward you.  Lord, help me be a good steward of my time, and let me not forget where I am going in this life.  My purpose here is to do your will, to disciple my children and other women, and to love you.  Don't let me be distracted by this world and it's shallow and simple promises. I want to hold on to your promises, stay on the path you've created just for me. Help me be content in my situation and recognize that this time I have with my boys is so short. This life is a vapor, and it cannot be wasted. I turn my thoughts, heart, mind and soul over to you. I don't want control, navigate me through this storm so that I will end up in the safety of your arms. Amen.

Days 9 & 10

Happy 4th (and 5th)! I was so exhausted last night I couldn't even scroll through my facebook newsfeed. Now that's tired! We had a very uneventful Independence Day, which pleases me, because I hate crowds and drama! Actually, I dread going into any situation with more kids than I have hands. That part of me that needs to control situations just shrivels up and dies a slow painful death...usually taking my sanity down with it.

We started our day off with Pinterest-inspired cinnamon roll waffles, with cream cheese greek yogurt "diappage" (the boys dubbed anything you dip something into "dippage"- thus adding to the long dictionary of cascio-created terminology).  They were delicious! Even after my spinach-egg-white breakfast I managed to take one down. Sniff was the first to join me and gleefully broke the eggs for me and watched over the KitchenAid to make sure everything was getting mixed together. Notice the ear-sniffage. He wasn't fully awake yet, and still has to be attached to the "bink-blank" until food is ready. It's funny, Jeff and I always said he is the one who is a "crib to bib" kinda guy, and he still is!

E, of course, was very suspicious of the waffles because they had cinnamon-butter swirled in and looked different. He mistrusts anything that doesn't look like chocolate or ice cream right up front.  Once he tasted, he was sold (note Luke's expression, he was like, "See, I told you they are good!") They each ate about 3 waffles. I know Dyl is happy about all these ridiculous meals (the Turkey Pot pie was also unbelievable).  He says he was eating out a lot in Texas, and although they have bomb mexican food, there is nothing like mom's home cooking.  My plan is to show Dyl some key recipes so he will be able to impress his future wife....(hey, I can dream, you know, and there is nothing like preparing early)!

So after the sugar rush started to die down, we went to Papa Ralph's and swam in the pool, ate some lunch, and came home sporting some freshly burned skin. Oops. I DID slather them with sunscreen, but apparently 3 or 4 hours in the sun and pool is enough to wear it down!  Isaac had so much fun swimming and jumping in the pool, you would never know he hated water last year! Woog and E swam around with their mask and goggles and came out of the pool only to eat a couple bites of lunch. It was a great day!

Later that night, we got to enjoy the fireworks from the safety of the inside of our van - driving Papa Ralph and Mimi to the Airport. They are back in CT right now, getting ready to enjoy some family time   at the big Family Reunion! I wish we could go - but traveling cross-country with 4 kids is not going to happen.

Today had all the makings of a Monday. Except it's Friday. When you stay home and don't have anywhere to be, you lose track of what day of the week it is. Trust me. I finally got a new calendar with big squares and I smothered my fridge with it, hoping this will solve my forgetting problem. I even wrote down "put trash out" on Thursday, because I learned my lesson. And don't suggest I set up reminders on my phone, because most of the day my phone has it's own agenda, or finds it's way into grubby little hands eager to play apps!  For the first time since Jeff has been gone, I didn't make my step goal. I just couldn't do it today, my back is still scorched and I was working on my Commander's Retirement Program when I wasn't chasing little buns around the house!

Today's Prayer:

Lord, thank you for your grace. Thank you is all I can say, because I'm a mess, and my need for grace at times overwhelms me. I'm so thankful that you don't leave me to my own devices, because if I listened to my heart, I would surely be steered into a very dark place.  These past few days I have felt your presence, felt the lightness of hope lifting up my burdens and worries.  Please continue to work on my heart, and remind me to slow down and enjoy this wonderful life you have given us. Amen.

Day 8

My neighbors probably think I'm a weirdo by now, trolling the streets around 10:30 pm, pushing my isaac-filled stroller around the cul-de-sac until my fitbit registers 15K steps. I've been doing really well working out and getting my steps in, now I just have to work on getting done earlier in the day so I can go to sleep sometime before 11 pm! Isaac hasn't been sleeping well, either, and E keeps sneaking in my bed at night for various mumbled reasons (he doesn't really talk when he is trying to get away with something, just slurs something really quick and smiles and snuggles in - he knows the way to mommy's heart!) All the nighttime shenanigans leaves me dragging around the house in the morning, downing coffee and praying it kicks in so I can finish the 10,000 things I have going while J is gone.  

In Jeff news, he is doing well - he works noon - midnight, and he is able to facetime us almost everyday. I'm so thankful for technology. I just can't imagine not being able to talk to him or have the boys see him for months! He would probably go crazy if that was the case, because he loves his boys so much! Besides being bored on his off time, he is living a vacation life compared to here. Even Dylan is getting annoyed with the boys! I'm trying to stay consistent, but oh boy did God ever the situation to test my patience. They always say not to pray for patience, because it is a fruit of the spirit and if you are growing in Christ, you should naturally start to exhibit it - if so, my prayer would be for less situations in which to exercise patience! That's fair, right? Ha, ha. 

Today I was blessed by a few things (keeping up the positiveness). Carmen asked me to come over and talk for a while, and although I had a major construction project going on in my closet, I dragged myself over to hang out for a little while. I say "dragged" not because I don't want to go visit, but rather because I'm comfortably living out my hermit lifestyle....which is not healthy, and luckily I have friends that know that who reach out to encourage me. Also, the boys spied that Jimmy had his big waterslide up and they managed to invite themselves over to play! We ended up all going over and bringing our dinner over there and eating together with them. The picture is Isaac and one of his many possible future brides.* (Lanie, he loves you, too!) (*Note: they would make the cutest babies!)  It was nice to talk to adults, and take a break from the endless organization and cleaning! There won't be a nook or cranny left in this house that hasn't been cleaned, organized, sanded, painted, or donated by the time Jeff gets back. My project today was the master bedroom closet. I cleared out everything. I'm donating about a year's supply of clothes (don't worry, it probably came from the thrift store anyway) and then some! I can't show you any pictures because I want it to be a surprise for J! Tomorrow I will tackle turning Isaac's room back into a guest room. For now, the mattresses are still clogging up the hall, but the boys are using it as a fort, so it's all good. 

Today's Prayer:

Lord, thank you for the friends you have placed in my life, in my neighborhood, because you know I work best with close proximity relationships!  Help me to bless others as much as they have blessed me today. Please continue to work out my relationship with Dylan, come into his life and let him know that he is loved by you, and me, and that his life is valuable and for a purpose.  Guide his heart, keep him close to you, Lord.  Thank you for my husband, for reminding me that he loves me all day - finding forgotten love notes and reading them again and remembering...let me not take for granted the wonderful man you have given me. Keep him safe and encourage him while he is away from home. Amen.