Are you there God? It's me, Michelle.
When I was a little girl, who doubted the very existence of God, that's how I started my feeble petitions to a God I wasn't sure even heard them. Hands pressed together, eyes closed, or looking upwards, laying in my twin bed, just before drifting off into the blissful sleep of youth.
I would continue from there to describe the town I lived in, the road, my house, my room....as if God used Google Earth to zoom in from Heaven to find me. As if he needed my help. I just wanted to be sure that before I asked (it was always asking, never praising) He understood who was doing the asking. It makes me laugh now, because I'm thinking of God saying, "Oops, I gave that cute puppy to the wrong Michelle! Oh well, maybe I'll get it right next time, if she had only clarified where she lived." Ha, ha. It sounds absurd, now, right? Well, I guess it seems logical. I didn't know God, so I assumed God didn't know me!
Well, nowadays, God knows me and hears me. Although he may not answer in the way I think He should, He is in control and He knows what's best. Lately, though, I've been feeling like that little girl again - unsure about my place, needing to reconfirm myself before God, and I know it's because I've drifted away, ever so slightly, like a leaf gently falling down from it's branch. That's a lonely self-made place to be, and it hurts. The storms of life seem to rip you from your "tree" and you feel like you are being tossed around, losing balance, falling.
To me, that's what this pre-deployment time feels like. Armed with my "honey-do" lists, my "do before Jeff leaves" lists, and my mounting concerns about how I'm going to hold it together during this time apart, it reminds me of another time of waiting. Stay with me, here, because I'm about to compare waiting for deployment to the last few weeks of pregnancy. Seriously, the frantic nesting, cleaning, worries about when the baby comes, preparing meals, putting things in order, arranging child care...the analogy fits for me! Since Jeff found out a few months ago that he was actually going, I hid behind denial up until last week. I couldn't actually picture it happening, I convinced myself it was going to be cancelled, I couldn't imagine having to wake up with the kids, entertain them all day, and put them to bed at night alone. That overwhelms me. What about when I feel sick? Tired? Exhausted? Feel like never getting out of bed? (Hey, worst case examples are my default!) I know there are military women out there that have to deal with their husbands being gone for much longer than mine is going to be, but it still just strikes me as something I don't want to ever do. (As if I have a choice in the matter!)
So, stage one is Denial. I've blasted past that, now, but what I'm experiencing now I would call the nesting phase. Planning, scheduling, cleaning, finishing projects as to alleviate as much stress ahead of time. The funny thing is, that when you are waiting for a baby to come, you do the same things, and when the baby gets here you realize that life goes on as usual, and most of what you did was overkill anyway. Funny how that works! We will see if it holds true for deployment, too. Life will still go on, as usual. Kids will get sick, meals will be prepared, and the house may or may not get clean. My hope is that I hang on to my sanity, and hold fast to God's grace and love, and that he shelters me through this season of our life!
Michelle
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