If you don't already know (and love us), we are an Air Force family, stationed at Travis AFB, California.
My husband has been Active Duty for almost 16 years (rounding up, wishing for it to go faster…) and we have five boys. Two 15-yr olds, a 7-yr old going on 12, a 5-yr old, and a 3-yr old who runs the joint. After 12 years of Active Duty Air Force, I switched over to the Reserves, and in October of this year, I will hit my 20-year, magic retirement number! (I probably will not retire, yet, though, more on that in another post).
We married in 2005, and those of you who are good with math have already discovered we each came into the marriage with one boy a piece, and two houses full of furniture. :) Any-who….fast forward to last year, early July 2013, which was our first experience with a deployment. There had been short trips here and here (the longest being 42 days), but for the most part, we had been blissfully spared any major time apart. (Side note, I have been deployed before we were married, but I only had one son at the time, and I can say it is much easier, in my opinion, to be the one gone!)
If you read my deployment posts, you will find that I started out very excited, nervous, and full of ideas of what I was going to do to distract myself from the mundane misery that I feared our life might become. Obviously we survived, and I learned a lot during that time, which I'll cover in another post, too. But one thing I did discover is that people don't know what they can do to help your family get through a deployment. So here is my list, take an idea or two, and go love a military family TODAY!
10 Ways to Support a Military Family Going through Deployment
1. Take them a meal. Not just any meal, because that involves arranging a drop-off, and figuring out what they like….blah, blah, blah...Well, by all means, make them something they like and make sure no one has allergies first, but I'm saying just bring them a meal, early in the day, so they have the option to cook it for dinner or save it for another night. Bring it over in disposable trays that they won't have to wash and return. Bless them with a special dessert, too. One of my favorite things to do is make a batch of cookie batter, freeze it in balls, and give them a bag of frozen cookie balls, ready to bake! If you are really good, make some muffins and bring fresh fruit, so they can have an easy breakfast or snack option, too!2. Watch their kids. Seriously, don't just offer to watch the kids, set up a specific time and even a weekly thing, if you can swing it. Don't throw out a random, "I can watch the kids whenever! Just let me know!" I mean that is a nice gesture and all, but go one step further and hmake them commit to an actual day and time, and they will love you forever. Bonus points if you can arrange to watch the kids for them while they have an appointment! I don't know how you all operate, but I really don't like asking for help. Not because I'm too proud, I just don't want to feel like I'm bothering anyone, so this really helps me know you are serious, and takes all the thinking out of it!
3. Pray for them. This is an easy one, and it works even better if you ask them what they need prayer for, and then let them know you are praying. If you happen to think of a scripture that you think would encourage them, jot it down on a card or note, and give it to them. Knowing that someone is thinking of you definitely makes you feel less lonely! My friend Carmen gave me little encouraging notes that I will cherish always!
4. Help with the Yard work. Most of the time, it's Daddy who is the one deployed. And in most cases, Daddy is the one who takes care of all that outside dirty-grass-muddy-yucky-weedy stuff that we ladies would probably rather not do. Send your husband over to mow and edge, do some weeding, and this is for bonus points, offer to wash the car! (If you get the kids involved you get an extra 10 points. If you get their kids involved and also let them go for a run or walk, that's an extra 100 points!)
5. Take their trash bins out/in. This may seem silly, but honestly, I forgot to take out the trash EIGHT times in a row. Let me correct, my 15-yr old son "forgot," which led to a frantic sprint to beat the garbage truck with pj's still on, no contacts in, and no shoes on at 7 am. So, if you happen to notice their trash bins are no out the night before trash day, take them out. (Ask, first, but really, I wouldn't have cared!) Also, grab those puppies and tuck them back in if you happen to notice they are still out the next day!
6. Sit with them at Church. Also, may seem silly, but I felt so alone when I went to church. We go to a rather large church, and I kind of got lost in the crowd. I felt like no one knew what I was going through, and why I was there alone, and no one ever asked. So it's just awkward. It's way more fun to go with a friend and third-wheel. Also, as a bonus, you have some help picking up the kids from child care. Score.
7. Drop off a surprise package. Maybe you know they like to watch movies. Fill a box with popcorn, movie treats, and if you can afford it, tickets to a local movie theatre. If movies aren't their thing, drop off a nice "escape" treat for mom, like a book, journal, lotion, a new candle, anything really, that would brighten their day. You can include a small note, or keep it a secret! Thanks to Pinterest, you can stalk your friend's boards and see what she likes!
8. Encourage them to get out of the house. Stay with me here, because if you are dealing with an instinctual hermit, every fiber of their being will want to batten down the hatches, seal up the ship, and hunker down for the long haul….don't let them. Probably one of the worst slump patterns I got into was caused by lack of sunlight and fresh air. I'm being a bit dramatic, but, honestly, sometimes it was all I could do to not put the kids to bed at 5 and call it a night. This encouragement could take the form of inviting them for a bike ride or walk to the park. (If they don't want to, take the kids, bonus 50 points.)
9. Be considerate of their time/space. This is hard to explain, so hopefully it comes out right, and no it's not exactly a contradiction to my last point. If you are one of the three people I consider my very closest friends (can you tell I'm an introvert, jeez.), you are allowed to drop in on me, whatever time of day, with no questions asked, and you can come and stay for as long as you need, or until I kick you out. Everyone outside the chosen circle of 3, you must approach cautiously, and observe my physical state carefully. If you sense that I am at all under stress, DO NOT try to come inside and make small talk, thinking you are providing the daily adult conversation I might be craving. I will invite you inside if I'm ready for a visit, and if that does happen, please don't overstay your time, because that just causes me loads of extra stress that I can't handle. If my kids are napping, and it's "quiet time" in my house, that means it's the only time I have to reload my sanity and think straight. So please, please, don't rob me of that precious time, or I'll have to cut you. Okay. I won't actually harm you, but just wanted to prove the point.
10. Give them Grace. About halfway through the deployment, I stopped trying to do everything. You know what I mean….I gave up being on time (wasn't too hard, because I'm usually late all the time), trying to appear I had it together, and I think I wore the same thing for like 2 weeks straight. Please, don't judge me, my appearance, my children, the trash in my swagger wagon, the fact that we ate Popeye's in the middle of the living room picnic style… Just love them, and give them some extra grace because until you have been there, you have no idea how you would handle it.
That's it. Ten easy ways you can support a military family when they are going through a deployment. Of course, many of this ideas could also apply to a family with a new baby, or a death in the family, or is just needing some extra love. Hopefully this inspires you to go and help out your local military family and gives you an idea of what it is like being the family left behind.
Michelle
Songs that inspired this post
Jason Gray "With Every Act of Love"Hillsong United "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
Brandon Heath "Give Me Your Eyes"
And, a funny video, proving that they have some fun deployed
(This is not my husband's crew, though!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeqDVduhX5Q
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