Quick, somebody hand me an oar, I'm drowning in my self-made sea of discontent! Lately, I've been struggling with contentment. Okay, let's be real, not "lately", but quite honestly, more often than not.
It all started as most things do, a small nagging seed of doubt….nurtured along by my warm, abundant insecurities, and watered by my copious criticisms of my current station in life. And one day, IT appeared. The gargantuan (always wanted to use that word), gnarly, twisted root of discontent, choking out all of the happiness and joy that used to lie so easily within reach. Honestly, I feel like I'm Artax, sinking into the inky black tar in the Swamp of Sadness. (If you don't get the reference, we can't be friends.)
"My life isn't bad, though, why am I so unhappy?" I would ponder, as I searched for a palpable something to place my blame upon. Nothing was really wrong, and I think that's why for a long time, I just chalked it up to depression, a stagnation in my world, that only bred more malcontent. As a military wife, I am used to moving around. I love change! I love new (to me) houses, different rooms, new neighborhoods, fresh opportunities, and I have this moving chore down to a science. But we are over our three-year mark in this house, and although I absolutely love it, I honestly can't wait to move on. Who thinks like that? Tell me I'm not alone! One scripture that really resonates with me when I get this itchy, need-to-move mentality is Ephesians 5:15-17 (NASB),
"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
Restlessness in my heart has churned up this sea of discontent, and it infiltrates the entire atmosphere of the home! My husband and I just prayed that God would reveal his will for us - to settle our anxious minds and help us to decide where we should go (or where/when we should put in for orders). If the decision was left to me (which it isn't!), we would be living in my hometown in New Hampshire. Luke (7) and I just got back from visiting there and helping my sister, who just had a baby. It was very hard to be there and know we had to get back on a plane and go back to California. Ever since I've been back, aside from the joy of being in my own home and seeing Jeff & the boys, I've been terribly homesick. Just irritated. Mad. Sad. Melancholy. Defeated. Yes, all these feelings and more. I'm not too proud to admit that I have been a pretty cranky Christian lately. (Sorry Jeff, Dyl & the terrible trio).
Christian, advice-giving me knows with absolute clarity that this is not what God wants for my life. Moping around all misty-eyed and complacent, crying into my faux-Starbucks-espresso. My clever little mind has already fabricated our dream house, quaint, New-Englandy, complete with a mud room and sled storage…but the more effort Im putting into building that imaginary home, the less effort I put forth maintaining what God has blessed me with right here. (See, I'm not totally gone, yet!)
I believe that God has a purpose for my life. I believe that God would like nothing more for me to shine His light and bring His love all the way to the East Coast…only just not yet. Like adding clams to the clam chowder until the last bit of cooking, so they won't get tough and rubbery. (Trust me, this is a game-changer! Clam chowder recipe here -> New England Clam Chowdah). God knows what He is doing. He can see everything and nothing is a mystery to Him! He also knows the desires of my heart and He will orchestrate the path of my life in His perfect timing. I'm trusting that, and that calms the stormy sea raging inside my head and my heart. Until the next big storm, that is. (Keeping it real, ladies!)
Perhaps your sea of discontent is not caused by your current location, but instead your season in life, your job, your season of marriage, your ministry, your friends (or lack of), your children (or lack of)…the reasons are endless! But let us all rest in the certainty that whatever it is, it is not out of God's control. His plan and purpose for our lives is all-encompassing and intricate. He didn't spare any details. If you doubt, go read Psalm 139. So don't think for a second that He just haphazardly plopped a pin on his big ol' Atlas and said, "Yes, that is where I want ___________ to live" and Poof! You are smack dab in Cheyenne, Wyoming, freezing your giblets off. (Lol, if you are reading this, Heidi, I was thinking about your Facebook comment). He also didn't place you as a military wife without a purpose. There is a mission created for you, here. A lesson tailored just for you, here. A friendship for life, or a season, yes, right here. Maybe your current location/season is the "low" you need to make your "high" time all the sweeter. I don't know all the answers, but I know God does. I choose to trust Him.
If you want, say this prayer with me. (Don't worry about looking crazy, reading this out loud. It's just your kids/husband/family, they probably already think you are cray-cray!)
Prayer for Contentment
Lord, please calm my anxious heart.
Sometimes my dreams and wants for my life drown out your sweet, still, small voice.
Help me find contentment and your peace that you freely wash over us.
Reveal your will for my life, and allow me to trust in your plan and timing.
Do not let me swim in this sea of discontent, or swallow the bitter swill of anger because I cannot be where my heart resides.
Help me live my life for you, spreading your love right where you have placed me.
Build my trust, and my faith in you, grow me, and mature my vision so I can see clearly your plan. Help me to encourage other military wives and build friendships that will last a lifetime.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Songs that inspired this post
Jason Gray - "With Every Act of Love"Jason Gray - "Remind Me Who I Am"
Jeremy Camp - "There Will be a Day"
Third Day - "Cry Out to Jesus"
Sidewalk Prophets - "Live Like That"
Sidewalk Prophets - "Help Me Find it"
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